We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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