note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
