I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
