Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
