her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
