yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
