Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
