im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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