Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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