my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
