Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
