im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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