You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize