I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
