sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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