When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
