we have pet lesbian snakes
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't turn off my feet"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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