dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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