chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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