everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
