Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
