Someone shit on the floor
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize