just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
