there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
