ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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