It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
