just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
