Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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