Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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