She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
