Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You pole danced in your parka.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
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