my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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