so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
