We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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