I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
