my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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