The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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