For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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