"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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