true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
