One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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