four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
