i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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