After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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