i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize