Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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