I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
