I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
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