Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
