That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
