Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
