We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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