I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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