I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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