why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
