There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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