If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
