Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
