last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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