How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize